Mary Scarlet

For historical reference

I know this is a ridiculous thing to be posting about after more than 6 months of silence, but I finally looked through the records I'd requested from my RE. My RE had refused to give me actual beta numbers for the cycle I'd miscarried, but there they were, and kind of interesting. At 3w6d I was 67, and at 4w1d I was 117. So, like, that seems a pretty good sign things were not headed in a great direction, right? I really wish they'd just given me the numbers so that I would have been a little more prepared for the heartbreak and devastation that followed.

I finally started looking through the file because I've been in to see my primary physician about some odd menstrual issues, and am being referred to a real gyno (I had to leave my last one due to an insurance switch) and a barrage of ultrasounds and blood tests. I don't think this is anything serious and it has nothing whatever to do with thinking about or preparing to cycle or try to conceive or anything. Just want to keep the old girl in good enough working order to have a nice healthy life. Plus my hair has been falling out more than normal and want to be sure there are no underlying problems.

So otherwise life has been ok I got a promotion, still haven't finished that damn book but still hoping to, possibly dealing with some low grade depression or dysthymia but mostly feeling alright, doing better at the regular exercise. We are not going to be adopting. And it's coming up on two years since our last failed cycle, and it looks like we're not going to be miraculously conceiving naturally. And most likely not going for a fourth and final cycle of IVF, donor or no. How do I feel about this? I STILL DON'T FUCKING KNOW. So the final component of the get-healthy plan is to finally get self to a freaking therapist, because oh my God how out of touch with yourself can you possibly be?

-Mary Scarlet

Thanksgiving sucked

Hope everyone else had a nice one ... mine was pretty depressing. Nothing major happened, but my husband and I had competing sibling groups in town so we saw little of each other. While I saw a lot of mine, I also got into a really nasty fight with one that's had me in tears all day and ended with me sending an email that I'm almost certain to regret tomorrow.

My grandmother is 95 this year and for the first time she seemed really old on Thanksgiving. We haven't ever been close and I have a lot of issues with that side of my family but she was always pretty with it and she's clearly sliding fast -- almost blind, very deaf, and with several frightening coughing fits.

I guess I'm thankful that this year is nearly over. And also for these very amusing creatures that I can't imagine not having in my life. As requested.

Better days.

Can't think

Don't know where I am. You might be wondering. And I don't really know.

Today is my 34th birthday. I hate celebrating my birthday anyway, and the biological horror film only makes it less interesting, less worth remarking. 34 biological, 50 adjusted.

Absolutely no progress on any front in the last 3 months. No closer to any adoption talk. Which may be a decision but I don't know. Still haven't been able to stop watching myself closely in the last half of a cycle, waiting and hoping against all reason. Fer Chrissakes.

Relatives coming for a two week stay this weekend. Way, way behind on my professional writing project. Took a trip to New Orleans. Going to Dallas in a few weeks (relatives). CAN NOT WAIT for August trip to Montana.

Thank goodness for a sense of humor

Email exchange with husband:

From: Mary Scarlet
To: Mr. Scarlet
Subject: omg

two more pregnancy ambush announcements today
what the eff?
that's three in two days

-M.S.

------

From: Mr. Scarlet
To: Mary Scarlet
Subject: RE: omg

I guess this a bad time to tell you that I'm pregnant.

-Mr.S

------

[no getting mad at Mr. S. for this ... i laughed out loud. seriously, by the time i had the third announcement, which was from someone whose wife is barely 2 mos. pg, I was mentally rolling my eyes so hard that I was able to analyze my brain wrinkles. and the other two were from work people that i really like and thank goodness no pangs with those. but seriously ... fertility just seems so alien, eh?]

"Not the billing, the bill"

Guess what arrived in the mail today? You'll never guess.

A bill for the first and only OB appointment I ever had. 8 MONTHS AGO.

Since this appointment was followed a week later by a failed karotype for the miscarried embryo, I am fully expecting to get a bill for that in a few days. Bets, any bets?

I'm filing this one right up there with the superfun iVillage incident.

Jerks.

It was only a $5 bill. Underpaid the copay, no doubt. How much in administrative overhead, repeat bills and threats do you think I can sweat them for? I figure they have to blow about $20-$25 in postage, paper and toner, and staff time before I'll feel good about paying the $5. They don't know who they're dealing with. I and my barfly ovaries laugh at their puny bills.

Well, shit

Once again, a milestone (of sorts) that DEFINITELY did not leave singing birdies and gumdrops in its wake.

My husband was cranky and pissy on the way to the seminar, but this is normal, nervous behavior for him. I thought the meeting itself was great. No group activities, no forced meeting of staff or other couples, no excessive lovey-dovey stuff. Plenty of basic info, not much I didn't have a general sense of beforehand, but we now know exactly how they structure their domestic program (open) and which are their big countries for international.

But apparently my tactic to use this as a jumping off point for discussion with my husband backfired in the worst possible way. The torrent of anger and confusion he unleashed on me as we were leaving was, frankly, shocking. I was completely taken aback. I had no idea, based on our last substantive discussion (very shortly after the last IVF failed), that he was ready to throw the towel in entirely. In fact, there's no way I could have known since he very clearly said to me during that conversation that he definitely wants children. I have always known that he would have been able to choose a childfree life but I didn't know that he was still tending towards that choice over others.

It was a very long, angry, tearful conversation. He does not believe that I would choose a life with him if it came down to children or him. I am very, very confused. I did not know we were still in this place, I thought we had left it behind long ago.

We did not come to any kind of a resolution about adoption, though we did end the day on a positive and loving note. Right now, our entire relationship needs to be reexamined. That will take time. I DO need to get that help. And we probably need to seek help together unless we can find a way to break this down and talk about it more rationally.