Gosh. Another few weeks gone by. Oh, still not pregnant. Though since Patricia doesn't come until Saturday, I have this week of playing that hilarious game with myself ... you know ... "A miracle could happen."
Saturday is also the day we leave for vacation. I have two whole weeks off work, and I am so ready for it. When I come back it will be a major slam, big, big changes happening, so this time is important. Unfortunately, George Bush has already partially killed the trip, as there is a fairly major fire happening in our chosen vacation spot. (ya know ... forest fires = global warming = W and his criminal energy policy and feeding-at-the-trough cronies ... only partly kidding. gosh i hate him like fire) However, as we are traveling by car, we can bear last minute changes. Wow, I just realized the irony of that little passage, with our wanton consumption of fossil fuels and all. Shut up. I bike to work.
Let's see. What else? How about some mini film reviews? Saw "The Matador" last night, which I absolutely loved. Pierce Brosnan was hilarious and wonderful; there's a scene when he walks through a hotel lobby to the pool that's so perfect. Saw "Munich" last week, which I really admired, but couldn't actually like and recommend. There were just too many problems with the film, and things that a seasoned filmmaker should have been able to avoid. I loved the cast, however, and am even more impressed by Eric Bana now than I was when he actually made me finish watching the otherwise execrable "Troy." Saw "An Inconvenient Truth" which made me sad and scared and angry all over again, and God I wish 2000 had gone differently. And Al Gore has awesome Mac skills. And reaching a little farther back, "The Proposition" was fantastic. Horrifying and gruesome but spellbinding at the same time. There's a long list of stuff I want to see and haven't yet had time for, so hoping to add to this soon.
Poetry: I recently reconnected with this poem, which has long been my favorite. No particular reason to mention it here, but if you are missing someone far away, you will love it too.
So. My fucking insurance company, whose name rhymes with retina, still has not paid anything on my last failed cycle. There's no good reason for this, it's just boring paperwork incompatibility between the way their infertility program issues referrals and the way the doctor bills; of course the people at the insurance company who handle billing cannot resolve it with their tools, so it takes tedious calling and recalling until I get an actual human who has sufficient clearance. When I was doing back-to-back cycles, I would inevitably put it off until I was actually starting a new one, and now that there's nothing more to come it's all too easy to not do it. Now I'm getting threatening messages from the doctor so I have to. Once again, I am lucky, incredibly lucky, to have any coverage at all. Boy, do I pay for it.
There are a lot of things I'm carrying around in a black cloud in my brain. This outstanding $7,000-odd is one of them. My still unwritten book chapters are another. The many friends and family I have not spoken to in weeks and months, who deserve a call from me. And the big one: what next? Will there be anything? Adoption seems to be becoming less possible with every passing week. And yet I still cannot reconcile myself to not having children. The only thing not in the black cloud is true fear about running out of time. Which I do not really understand. It feels so much like pathetic, unrealistic denial. Procrastination is my worst character fault, and it would seem I've gotten to the point that I can not only put off tasks and jobs and responsibilities, I can even put off my emotions and fears. But with these, I don't think an eleventh hour sprint is going to pull me through. They are going to hit like the proverbial ton of bricks. But still ... I wait. La de da. Whistling in the wind.
In the meantime, it's nice to see a little run of good luck and good news. For Amanda and Statia particularly. Hurrah, girls.
My next two week silence will be brought to you by an actual vacation and physical absence. See ya on the flip side.
-Mary Scarlet
listening to "Little Thoughts" by Bloc Party
