For historical reference

I know this is a ridiculous thing to be posting about after more than 6 months of silence, but I finally looked through the records I'd requested from my RE. My RE had refused to give me actual beta numbers for the cycle I'd miscarried, but there they were, and kind of interesting. At 3w6d I was 67, and at 4w1d I was 117. So, like, that seems a pretty good sign things were not headed in a great direction, right? I really wish they'd just given me the numbers so that I would have been a little more prepared for the heartbreak and devastation that followed.

I finally started looking through the file because I've been in to see my primary physician about some odd menstrual issues, and am being referred to a real gyno (I had to leave my last one due to an insurance switch) and a barrage of ultrasounds and blood tests. I don't think this is anything serious and it has nothing whatever to do with thinking about or preparing to cycle or try to conceive or anything. Just want to keep the old girl in good enough working order to have a nice healthy life. Plus my hair has been falling out more than normal and want to be sure there are no underlying problems.

So otherwise life has been ok I got a promotion, still haven't finished that damn book but still hoping to, possibly dealing with some low grade depression or dysthymia but mostly feeling alright, doing better at the regular exercise. We are not going to be adopting. And it's coming up on two years since our last failed cycle, and it looks like we're not going to be miraculously conceiving naturally. And most likely not going for a fourth and final cycle of IVF, donor or no. How do I feel about this? I STILL DON'T FUCKING KNOW. So the final component of the get-healthy plan is to finally get self to a freaking therapist, because oh my God how out of touch with yourself can you possibly be?

-Mary Scarlet

Comments

[MsPrufrock]

Oh, how excited I was to see your new post pop up in Bloglines.

It's hard to ever know if you're doing the best thing for you throughout this whole issue. It used to drive me absolutely fucking crazy that there wasn't just an answer presenting itself for my convenience.

I hope you are able to do whatever it is you need to do.

I have to say, your final sentence made me laugh, even if it wasn't meant to be funny. Sorry.

[thalia]

Really good to hear from you, although sorry that things have been tough. Endless investigations is no one's idea of a good time. I hope that therapist, when you find them, is helpful.

[PiquantMolly (AKA Mollywogger)]

I love finding a post like this from amid the internet ether. Therapists are fantastic, I highly recommend. Hope you're feeling more like yourself soon.

[DD]

How I had hoped no news were to be good news...

I read between some lines and I can't help but whisper, "I'm sorry," even though I know you aren't looking for sympathy.

My only advice is please do not take on a therapist who has a verbal tick that keeps her saying, "Call me crazy...!" because that's a really bad sign. Trust me on this.

[waiting line]

Great to hear from you any time about any thing. Hope you find a kick ass therapist, keep the old girl working, and come back around to feeling like yourself.