Oh my sweet blog

I am sorry to have neglected you so cruelly. It has been more than a month since my last posting.

Vacation was really, really wonderful. I was a little worried about all the time sitting in the car driving, both in fear that it would drive me batshit, or that we'd fight the whole way, or that my bulgy disc would get to bulging and I'd be in agony. Miraculously, none of the above occurred. To avoid the Sturgis motorcycle rally, we headed west via the northern route, through Minnesota and then North Dakota. North Dakota is one of the most beautiful places on earth. Not spectacular, but quietly beautiful.

It helped that we left the interstate as we crossed the border and did the eastern half of the state on state roads through gentle, rolling hills. Massive fields of sunflowers. Farmers who let their dead equipment lie where it falls. A slightly stormy sky helped.
Go there once before you die, it is lovely.

Montana was also gorgeous, but it was a little more frightening because of its size and vast emptiness. We also tried the state road approach, but in MT we rarely saw any signs of other humans, other than the road we were traveling on and the occasional ranch. Then this one biker, literally in the middle of nowhere.

Glacier is waaaay over in the northwest corner of the state, so we didn't even really see much mountain until we were pretty close. It was cold, and rained a little, but I think it is the most gorgeous place I've been to.
We did a long hike up to one of the glaciers, I'm so proud of us. Made the whole trip worth it. Make your visit to Glacier before 2030; they estimate the glaciers may all be gone by then.

After our 3 days in Glacier, we drove back by way of South Dakota and stopped in the Badlands. Meh. Sorry, South Dakotans, your state just doesn't rock like ND. Get thee hence to your northern neighbor. And Wall Drug? Totally not worth stopping. Don't let that advertising fool you.

So, here I am. Back to reality. Work immediately got stressful again, and has crescendoed to the point where I am waking up consistently at 3:30 am and unable to fall back to sleep until 5 or 6. Even my foolproof fallasleep method*, usually as trusty even as my Burger King constipation cure**, has not been working.

My husband keeps telling me that I am mean. Which means that I am no longer filtering anything; all of the blunt commentary that runs in my head is now coming directly out, and it's not nice. I'm trying to decide whether or not I want to work on that, or if I should just go with it. The New Adventures of Old Mary Scarlet.

And this is a week of sad anniversaries. Obviously, Sept. 11. I tried to avoid TV yesterday but I did want to see part of the name reading ceremony, and the waterworks started immediately. The day it happened I was on a vacation day from work, riding bikes in the forest preserve with my brother who was visiting from out of town. We didn't even know it had happened until we packed up the bikes to head home at about 11:30. Then I got my (then-fiance) husband on the phone and heard the incomprehensible news. When I got home and turned on the TV it finally hit me and I spent the rest of the day crying, like everyone else. It was that footage of seeing women standing on a bridge, screaming as they watched the towers fall.

Friday will be the one year anniversary of our miscarriage. Unlike the delivery date, I am trying to let this one pass quietly. I remember, and that is enough. It doesn't feel as sad as the EDD did, except that it is a reminder how quickly time passes, and how much it is against us. I can't believe it's a year already.

I'm so glad I've had this blog for that horrible period while I was doing IVF, and particularly glad that I transcribed the entries on loss. I expect to revisit them a lot in the next few days, and as long as I'm able to keep this site up, I'll leave them there for any other women suffering through to read.  I really wish that I felt I had arrived somewhere now. That I felt life was going to be OK for me, and that we could live as we are, and eventually let that silly, irrational hope go. I don't feel that way yet. And I don't want to end this on such a sad note, so I won't say it's my last post. Maybe at some point in the next few months or a year, I will have my epiphany, or a breakthrough, or feel the finality. So I'll come back and post then. Or maybe just when I'm feeling less squashed.

Until then, I will keep reading all of you and try to be better about the commenting. Thanks to everyone who has been reading and commenting, and helping me to stay upright and alive these past few months.

Love to you all,
Mary
-Listening to "The One I Love," David Gray

*Pick a movie you've seen a million times. Try to replay it in your head scene by scene. With Bridget Jones Diary, I would always be asleep before the "All By Myself" scene in the opening credits.

**Uh ... eat a Whopper Jr., wait 10 minutes. Works every time.

Comments

[MsPrufrock]

It's good to have you back, even if it is just to disappear again for awhile. Your vacation photos were gorgeous and I am highly envious.

I hope you do come back periodically, I've missed you. Good luck with finality, you deserve to have that peace of mind.

[DD]

I was perusing my bloglines yesterday and seeing "Mary Scarlet" there reminded me of your presence, which I have missed.

If you ever make your trip again, even though SD wasn't up to snuff, let me know. Your eastern bound route is only an hour or so to the north of me.

You took some wonderful pictures. Thanks for sharing them.

Thanks for sharing you.

[Cricket]

You have made up for all with those glorious pictures.

[Leggy]

What great pictures- you must have a great camera to be able to capture that light so well.

I'm sorry to see you go. Even though you don't post often (neither do I lately), I enjoy hearing from you. I hope you find some peace and resolution, in whatever way it comes for you.

[thalia]

Thank you for letting us know what's happening and how you are. I will try your fall asleep cure, it's a goodie.

I will miss you, MS. I'm incredibly sorry for all you've had to go through.

[amanda]

I'm glad you had a good vacation. What awesome pictures.

I truly hope that the future holds good things for you, and I hope that you'll come back and update from time to time.

[Waiting Line]

ND and Montana are beautiful - at least as far as I can tell from your awesome photos. Thanks for posting those.

Jeesh. Love the tips on how to cure insomnia and, well, that other issue. Hilarious Mary Scarlet! Perhaps I will try the Whopper Jr sometime. . . hmmm.

Keep us posted whenever you feel like it. And do tell us about The New Adventures of Old Mary Scarlet. Bring it on -- mean and unfiltered!!

[Mel]

Gorgeous vacation photos. Made me want to get in the car and start driving.

Hope that Friday passed easily for you guys.

[millie]

Thanks so much for sharing the vacation photos. It looks like you had a fab trip. I was so glad to see an update from you and will look for the next one as well. Take good care.

[Donna]

I know that squashed feeling...I hope you find that writing sometimes helps you to stand more upright. Take care.

[waiting line]

alright Mary, waz up?!