When you're trying hard to ignore the rapid aging of your ovaries it's hard to find things to say on what is supposed to be an infertility blog. Which is ironic, because, man, am I ever. I don't know if I can yet claim to be infertile by infertile standards but I FEEL like I'm the cake-topper, the worst of the worst: started young enough to have been successful, multiple diagnoses, both partners subfertile at best, two gooseggs plus one heartwrenching pregnancy loss, and can't even come close to being able to have the final talk and shut the door forever. I guess the only thing in my column is that we only had the one loss and only did three rounds of IVF. Woohoo. AND, in the meantime, still watching the monthly signs like a hawk, counting days, cutting back on booze and caffeine. It's just sad, is what it is.
So instead, this is what I've been doing:
1. Took my first ever trip to Dallas Texas. We did indeed choose the worst time of year and lucked onto the hottest weekend of the worst time of year, but still, I wonder, how anyone can live there? I know we didn't stay long enough to do it justice, and Fort Worth seemed interesting, but Dallas was one long strip mall connected by interstate. So depressing. On the plus side: some great time with family, several of whom I hadn't met before. And my first ever chicken fried steak. Oh my god was that good. And I'm told the version we had was subpar, so I'm looking forward to some really good CFS in my future.
2. Not losing weight (see above), but being much more conscientious about getting to the gym at least every other day, and feeling much, much better as a result. Still hasn't cured any of the insomnia I've developed lately, but at least I walk around feeling like I could karate chop my enemies if I had to.
3. Falling in love. I can not wait for these to arrive. I've been ogling them for a week and haven't been able to find them locally in my size. I don't know why I love them so much, but all the hairs went up on my arms when I first saw them, and that's not a sign to ignore.
That's pretty much it, with some good doses of cat thrown in. Coasting big time at work, slowly making progress on the book thank God, and anxiously awaiting the big Montana vacation in mid-August. Waiting for the hydrangeas to bloom. Last year at this time I was newly pregnant. So in a few weeks I'll have another sad anniversary to acknowledge. And in the meantime, lurking more than commenting, but still keeping up with the IF blogosphere. Love to all.
Do you think it'll ever stop: you know, the sign-checking? I remember a time when I never knew when my period was to start, it just did. Ahhh, how I long for those days.
Posted by: DD | July 24, 2006 at 10:30 AM
Like DD, I long for the days when I was naive and innocent of all things infertile.
Be gentle with yourself on the sad anniversary. Hang in there.
Posted by: Spanglish | July 24, 2006 at 06:15 PM
Dallas in summer? Damn girl, you're far more brave than I.
Thanks for your most recent comment on my blog. It's greatly appreciated.
Enjoy your shoes. They look lovely and comfy.
Posted by: MsPrufrock | July 25, 2006 at 04:54 PM
good to hear from you.
those are some damn good looking hippie shoes, my friend. I like the more overt FMS (f*ck me shoes), but your new shoes - I can see why your smitten.
Posted by: valari7300 | July 25, 2006 at 10:23 PM
I can never get enough of the kitty pictures. So cute. I'm sorry you have another sad anniversary coming up.
Posted by: amanda | July 26, 2006 at 01:17 PM
I went to Dallas in the winter, and I still agree with you. Just a big sprawling place with no heart.
Well done for all that gym commitment, I am very impressed.
Posted by: thalia | August 03, 2006 at 04:23 PM