I am so funky

Much love to all for reading that last post, and for the very kind comments. It felt so good to reread and transfer all of that stuff. I'm so glad now that I took the time to write it down.

A week after I stopped the progesterone, I had the miscarriage. Knowing what I know now, I wish I'd opted for the D&C. I don't think I was expecting natural to be as painful as it was; thought it might be less painful than a D&C. It took about 9 hours altogether, and the last three were the worst. I read all of John Grisham's "The Rainmaker" that night from 6pm-3am, in the bathroom the whole time with the stupid little strainer. I'll forever have a twisted memory of that story. Mostly I wish I'd had the D&C because I might know now what caused it all, instead of wondering about clotting and whether the stupid 400mcg of folic acid I'd been taking by mistake might have been to blame. Yeah, discovered last week that I was at about 1/2 the level of folic acid that I should have been during pregnancy. That's a shitty feeling.

My husband tells me that I didn't smile for two weeks after the miscarriage. One of the worst days was when I saw my dad for the first time after I found out. I thought I was doing ok but as soon as he walked over to give me a hug, I lost it and let out the loudest, wettest, most unexpected howl into his shoulder. And I'll always remember what he said: "I know ... it's how we all feel." I love my dad.

But gradually I could stand to be in my own presence, and then soon I could be around people other than my husband who knew what had happened. 

So fast forward to today, almost five months later. I want to bleed. Every cycle I've had breakthrough bleeding towards the end of the course of BCP, and this time is no different. Round about day 29, it started, and even doubling the dose has had only a slightly discouraging effect on this funky blood. What it has done is to make me absolutely batshit. Things that made me cry today: the story on the Today show about the double heart-lung transplants on two babies, the OnStar radio commercial about the lady who was in the accident, and thinking about the friend of a friend who is going in for her C-section today at the end of an IVF pregnancy with partial placenta previa and three bleeding incidents in the last week.  I am a waterworks, exhausted, and feeling stretched.

I am also just funky. I don't feel like I'm sweating any more than usual, but I seem to have this musk by the end of every day. Can't figure it so I'm blaming the synthetic hormones.

To finish off another story, I decided to get my husband both the briefcase and the dog. Promise of a dog, actually. He was beside himself, and so excited. I'm giving him the briefcase tonight. He also got his big promotion. Big birthday party tomorrow night. Last BCP on Sunday. Injectibles start Wednesday. I have my brass knuckles on. My stinky self is going to take that infertility bitch down.

Comments

[Amanda]

I wish I had opted for the D&C, too. I will never go the natural route again. Oh, the pain.

I'm so glad you decided on the briefcase and the puppy. Fun! Have a great time at the party tonight.

[Cricket]

Being funky puts out that sensitivity radar so that anything registers.

Enjoy your new prospective puppy. Can't wait to hear about that.

[Lori]

Everything makes me cry these days. I'm downright pathetic. In my younger years I used to pride myself on the fact I never cried. So much for that.
The infertility bitch doesn't stand a chance - good luck!

[DD]

If I could, I'd give the IF Bitch a blanket party (take her out to a field, cover her w/a blanket and kick the snot out of her), but it sounds like you ready to mentally kick her ass. You go, girl!

[Molly]

You sound ready. Good luck!

[fisher queen]

Knock her senseless will ya? I hear you on the weepy thing. Ah the joys.

[thalia]

You know, Kath at inhospitable I think wishes she'd not had her D&Cs, so I don't know that it would have been easier...

I'm sorry you've had such a tough time, and I empathise completely with the weepiness. I can't make it through most ad breaks without something making me cry. And I'm not on bcps.

[Spanglish]

I so know what you mean about that funk. It's the hormones. In the last two years of IF treatment, I have become a perfume junkie. Dolce and Gabana "Light Blue" masks the smell nicely, and it's a clean scent.

I was going to have a D&C, but my miscarriage started before the surgery date. Unfortunately, it suddenly stopped and I had to go through the D&C anyway.

Both are painful in different ways.

Good luck.

[Steve]

Pretty much nothing seems worth doing. I've just been letting everything happen without me these days. I've just been sitting around waiting for something to happen, but whatever.